I think I am creeping slowing into a mild depression. I think a slight fog has settled into my mind lately. I just can’t seem to shake it. I usually go through this sort of thing in the middle of winter, when everything is gray and sad. But I don’t understand it happening now. It’s summer. I love the sun and humidity.
I guess I just don’t love myself right now? I really don’t know.
My husband asked me today what I would do as a career if I didn’t have to worry about how much money it paid. I had no answer. It made me sad. I am incredibly lost. I really don’t think I know anything about my true desires and needs.
I spend almost all of my time worrying about others. Helping others. Listening to others. I don’t mind that actually. It keeps my mind busy. I suppose today I realized I don’t know much about myself, since I focus so much time on others.
Even now I feel guilty thinking about my own feelings. writing such nonsense.
I’ve been a bit under the weather too. My stomach and digestive system have been completely out of wack. I have IBS, or so I’m told. So sometimes when I eat certain things, my intestines spasm or something, and I suffer through great pain. I try to keep a list of what food triggers this drama, but it never seems to make sense. I ate a salad yesterday, 30 minutes later I was doubled over in pain, wanting to never eat again.
I’ve consulted many doctors, done all the tests, and have been told to just eat bland foods when I have flare ups. Gee, sounds like they have no idea what to do for me then.
So I eat crackers and drink water. The good thing is after these stomach episodes, the crackers no longer become a trigger food. I am fearful that the stomach acid brought up from my purging will cause worse pain, so I abstain.
Luckily it’s been more than a week since I have purged anything, so I’m doing good.
I’m feeling out of it still. Maybe it’s the stomach issues, maybe it’s a touch of depression. I don’t know. At least it’s keeping my mind off what I am eating and what I look like in the mirror. So maybe it’s a blessing in disguise?
who knows.
