Another ‘normal’ day, thankfully. I hate Mondays the most, so these are usually my most tempting issue days. Work causes me constant stress, I hate going every single day. It’s a very secure job and I make a nice paycheck, and unfortunately there isn’t any wiggle room for me to just up and quit and take time to figure out another job. RIght now I must work, our mortgage(s) are killing us, and this is unfortunately my only option for this pay. So I go, everyday with a headache and lots of forming frown lines. How many years until I can retire? It’s like looking forward to death.
So after work I wanted crackers. Soft saltines with just a sprinkling of salt, straight from the sleeve. On particularly stressful days, if alone and if I have crackers in the house, I will polish off a sleeve or two. I am very specific how I eat them too. I take such care and tenderness with my beloved saltines. Slowly eating off the brown bubbly parts first, then precisely splitting the cracker at it’s seams to split it lengthwise. I then slowly nibble the two paper thin pieces. Dry, salty, crumbly goodness. Repeat until one or two sleeves are done. It always soothes me. It takes quite a while to get through an entire sleeve with this method of eating, but somehow it calms me. Man I wanted some crackers today.
Luckily I know better, and I NEVER keep them in the house.
I chewed some sugarless gum instead. Not the same, but somewhat of a release for my mind. Unfortunately I have some issue with gum too. Always bubble gum flavor and always 10-15 pieces, one right after the other. I chew hard and fast, as soon as any flavor is gone, I’m on to the next one. My jaw aches and frequently I chew an entire pack in a sitting.
Then I forced myself to go to the gym.
Again, like a charm. My nervous tension was tired out after 45 minutes on that annoying elliptical machine. Oh I hate that thing. I calmed down enough to eat a salad and sliver of grilled chicken for dinner. A small portion, but a normal meal to most people. The salad didn’t make me feel gross like heavier food does, so I was fine. No food thoughts came back.
Whew, it’s exhausting somedays.
I wish I could find a new job, career, passion. I really thing that would give me something else to focus on. Other than food. I wonder if I will ever figure out what I am really supposed to do with my life?
goodness I hope so.
